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I shut my laptop screen and watched as the florescent glow from the Windows log-off screen dimmed into darkness. A job that I had fallen in love with was crashing down around me. Tonight, it was over. I felt completely numb.
A few weeks earlier I began to experience razor-sharp pains in my right eye that crippled me to the core. I struggled keeping up the demands of my job. I could barely see straight to assist in the daily circus of life with my three active boys. I even began sliding on slippers simply to avoid the agony of trying to tie my shoes. I had to wear sunglasses to prevent the pain from completely overtaking my field of vision. My boys all grabbed sunglasses to join the new fashion trend at our house – and I must admit, I loved that!
As I sat across from an ophthalmologist, a neuro-ophthalmologist, my primary care doctor and later a neurologist; one reality came painfully apparent.
Life was about to change in a way I had feared most of my life.
I have always lived with coloboma that impacts the vision of both of my eyes. I always fought off the fear that “one day” my vision could – would decrease.
That “one day” happened and I wasn’t ready.
Suddenly I was hit with the reality from all of these medical professionals that I could be developing the early signs of MS and that I could lose my drivers license. I was no longer advised to engage in any strenuous computer activity. This led to my departure from my job that I was beyond certain that God had called me to pursue.
This made absolutely no sense.
I felt completely alone.
I felt misunderstood.
I felt angry.
I felt used.
I felt disabled.
I felt every emotion possible as I ventured to and from doctor appointments.
I struggled the most connecting my head and my heart.
I knew God loved me but to be honest, I just wasn’t feeling it.
I was feeling like I had fought my entire life to punch the label of being “disabled” in the face, only to be forced into that very label I wanted nothing to do with. I felt like everything I had achieved in life was worthless at this point.
I share this because I know I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way. Sometimes in the waves of life it can be difficult to get your head and heart where they need to be in order to walk through the storm ahead. You are not alone.
What do you do when you aren’t feeling loved by God? Here are a few things God has been teaching me through this season of my life over the past few months:
W: Worry can take over your mind when you believe you are in control.
God is in control and sometimes, we don’t see the full picture. But here is something to chew on – do you really want control of your life right now? Don’t miss what He is already doing because you are too focused on the steering wheel!
I Am the God who made the world and everything in it. Since I Am Lord of heaven and earth, I do not live in man-made temples, and human hands can’t serve My needs—for Bethany, I have no needs. I give life and breath to everything, and I satisfy every need. Bethany, My purpose was for (you) the nations to seek after Me and perhaps feel (your) their way toward Me and find Me–though I am not far from (you, Bethany) any one of you. For Bethany, in Me you live and move and exist. As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’ (Acts of the Apostles 17:24, 25, 27, 28 NLT)
O: Others around you really do care – invite your friends to walk with you through this journey.
This is what the church looks like. I am blessed with an amazing church family that has walked this journey with me in amazing, humbling ways. Has God placed others around you for such a time as this? (Hint – this also shows you how He is indeed working!).
Bethany – Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’ (Matthew 25:34-36 NLT)
R: React first to His Truth and then assess your circumstances after seeing God for Who He really is.
It can be so easy to take your eyes off of Him in this storm, I know. Even if you find yourself sinking in the weight of your circumstances, His hand is right there to reset your focus.
Bethany, now you see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then you will see everything with perfect clarity. All that you know now is partial and incomplete, but then you will know everything completely, just as I now know you completely. (1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT)
T: Trust Him and all of His promises.
I literally have my name in scriptures that I read and listen to every single day (just a few here in this post today). These promises not only help focus my mind but allows Him to fill my heart on a continual basis.
Bethany, I will make My home in your heart as you trust in Me. Your roots will grow down into My love and keep you strong. And Bethany, you have the power to understand, as all My people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep My love is. May you experience My love, though it is too great to understand fully. Then Bethany you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from Me. Now Bethany, give Me all glory because I AM able, through My mighty power at work within you, to accomplish infinitely more than you might ask or think. (Ephesians 3:17-20 NLT)
H: Humble yourself and let God sing over you.
Take this time to slow down, fall into His arms and really listen to His voice. Since November I have 3 notebooks completely filled with journal entries – conversations with God. With each tear, pen stroke and entry formed, I began feeling again, slowly. When you hear Him and feel His heart, there is no going back.
Bethany, I, the LORD your God am in your midst, a Mighty One Who will save; I will rejoice over you with gladness; I will quiet you by My love; I will exult over you with loud singing. (Zephaniah 3:17 ESV)
Friend, in His eyes, you are worth fighting for. If you are going through a difficult season right now, please know that you are not alone. This time is an invitation for God to show you His worth and your worth to Him!
I would love to pray for you – please let me know how in the comment section below.
I should also add that my vision has stabilized and at this moment I am still able to drive (around town of course!). I’m glad to be back with you again friends! “God aint done yet!”
Dare to do more than just survive, step out and THRIVE!
I am an ICF trained Certified Professional Christian Life Coach (Christian Coach Institute Graduate), Motivational and Inspirational Speaker, mentor to women and an author. I am an author, blogger, ICF trained Certified Professional Christian Life Coach, Motivational and Inspirational Speaker and encourager. More than anything, I define myself as a child of God. I simply desire to use my passion for thriving (getting every single drop out of life) to inspire others. I have overcome disabilities (coloboma vision-loss, severe hearing-loss and a small right arm). I am a double brain cancer survivor. I use the story God has given me to move beyond what I am surviving and thrive in His promises. I enjoy being a wife to Steve for over 12 years and mother to three boys (ages 9, 7 and 4).