FIRST – I won the iPad 2 on Monday!!! Thanks for all of you who clicked and visited!!! I had over 1500 visits that day! Thanks to the teachers who spread the words in the schools and Michael who announced my blog at his conference (and thank you to the many conference members with iPhones and iPads that visited!!!). I’ve been playing with it a bit…trying to get the hang of it. Its a bit of a learning curve still! Any advice on apps would be great!!!
Have you ever felt like you were standing on the brink of a game-changing event that, in all reality, you really had no control over the outcome? I’ve attended several sporting events in my life, thanks to my younger brothers who were involved in soccer, baseball, basketball, a short time in track and field and even football. My favorite sport to play is soccer…but my spectator sport no doubt is basketball. I’ve been in the crowd at the most amazing, last-second game changing, buzzer shattering moments. You know the scene…usually the most quietest kid on the team gets fouled with 2 seconds left on the clock in a tie game. Its always the quiet kids that make this moment so much better. Funny thing is, i don’t care how much these players practice, in the end, with this kind of pressure, its a pure miracle when that ball swishes through the hoop in a foul shot attempt.
But we live for these moments…these times where life kind of stops and goes in slow motion. Time when some learn faith in something or someone that they never knew they had. time when fan might even wish they could take on the player’s burden.
That’s life. its filled with these on-edge, game-stopping moments.
That’s sort-of where i feel myself right now. This week has flew by way too quick and I’m updating now just so I can say I updated at all! My mind is focused on Monday’s first guided radiosurgery attempt and then Tuesday and Thursday’s chemo and ivig treatments. Its not the actual treatment part that bothers me…and to be completely honest here…it feels AMAZING to just sit for a bit and not have really any responsibilities…no doctors to call, no appointments to change, no emails to answer, no messes to clean, no lessons to plan, no meetings to attend….I can just sit and be me. It took a bit to realize the gift God had given me through this time…funny…I’m even somewhat excited to have this time to myself. i even registered for the ‘no visitors” list. its not that i don’t want friends to be with me…please don’t see it that way. but besides sleeping, I’m always responsible for someone, somewhere somehow! It stresses me out sometimes…this is my ‘escape’…normal people take a vacation, I go to chemo…tomato, tomato….
My point here is that next week could go in so many different directions! The oncology team is very prepared and ready for it all. On Monday, I will have a cardio team in the next room monitoring my heart during the treatment. If my heart rate drops, treatment will immediately stop and another course will be determined. The medication I am going through was selected just for me and my past dealing with various kinds…all have side effects (not even going there). There is also the change that during the radiosurgery that my cidp can be irritated enough to cause immediate pain, even temporary loss of use of my arms, legs or both. And today I signed the paper waiving my rights…
The ball is in the air…
Chemo is a return for me being that I had some involved with my previous ivig week (which has now been labeled a successful treatment for me…THIS IS HUGE being that it can take months to determine the right type and dosage of ivig that can work…in my case we’ve been at this since September, so not too bad). This Tuesday and Thursday I will have a full dose of chemo (I had a half of a dose spread over a week with my ivig…now I’ll be taking a dose a day). I was incredibly tired, nauseated and could barely eat anything during my last treatment…and this time WILL be worse (they are blunt about this). Steve has several types of soup recipes not just pulled…but he has all the food already purchased. He is determined to get food into me one way or another. I married a cook…I knew exactly what I was doing!
The ball is STILL in the air…
As the seconds count down to Monday, I am going to try to soak in every moment. I obviously hope for the best next week…God moved before, He can do it again. This time it just seems more real to me…there is no escaping a growing tumor in your brain. You can’t run from a laser light show shooting at your frontal lobe. I am hating the idea of getting poked over and over again for blood, iv, meds, chemo….(still would not like a port though).
But the hardest thing for me next week will come Wednesday night when our church, PBCC is having a Be HIS Family Dance night. I’m not sure if I’ll be there. Yet, funny thing is, I’m planning (more like assisting) as members from our congregations prepare for an event I SHOULD be at. I went out yesterday and got a long red carpet for everyone to enter on…because after all, the stars of the party are our guests! We have a bubble machine, laser lights, family dance music, games and just so much more. Whats hard for me to swallow is this will be a night families will remember for a long time. I want to be there and share a dance with Josh. I want to have the energy to act silly and cheer of my families that need this night out together. But right now, I’m preparing for an event I might not be at….its hard.
The other thing that will be difficult is Josh – he looked at me this morning and said, “Mommy, are you still sick?” Ugh…I hate these questions…trying to explain to a 4 year-old that mommy isn’t feeling completely well, but will be feeling horrible next week is…well, not possible. So, I told him I still had to go back to the doctor, but that I was feeling a LITTLE better today. It made him smile…and off we went.
The good thing about next week is that our family is well taken care of. I don’t have to worry about my boys…I can just focus on me.
The ball aint moving for a bit, so I’m outta here to spend time with our family…but I cared to update! Keep praying as I know you already are!