I woke up this morning to Steve shaking the bed…if he needs to wake me, he does so at a distance for his own protection. I remember thinking, “I can't remember what I'm doing today…what day is it anyway?” A few minutes later after the dots started to connect, my phone calendar alarmed reminding me about my date with chemo and ivig.
I wish I was still in bed. I was completely comfortable. I hit the pillow around 11:30 last night and Steve let me sleep until 7:30 this morning! I can't remember the last time I've slept more than 5 hours straight! Between pain from CIDP, work, the kids and now sickness from treatment I don't exactly sleep through the night. Since August, I've discovered that if I stay up later…even until 2am, I can get 5 hours of continued sleep. If I try any earlier, it never seems to work out.
Treatment has started well today because they left the IV in from yesterday. It was pretty much plug in and roll. They are trying to administer both the chemo and ivig together…two bags connected to one IV tube…I've never seen this before. It makes me even more unique here…I've already had a guy ask me, “So, whatcha got in your bags?” I enjoy my conversations here because I don't have to explain myself…the people here get it. Its better to be bald amongst others the same way. Someone even pointed out that I still have my eyebrows…not for long I bet!!
All in all I'm doing pretty good. It's still an out of body experience. You go through the motions and think, “Am I really here getting…chemo?” Then you think, “Is this really going to work or am I going through all of this for nothing?” When my mind starts rolling, it can either be my greatest support or lead me down a path that goes nowhere.
I'm so tired of being strong. I hate it when people think I'm doing this by myself. No way…God is getting me through this. My family is getting me through this. My church family is getting me and my family through this. IM NOT STRONG!!! Yet, in our weakest points if we choose to let God shine through, people out there think we are strong. I hope others will see what is really going on here eventually.
In my quiet time today, I read the following:
Remain in Me, and I will remain in you…for apart from Me you can do nothing.” (John 15:4-5).
You've read the passage before, but did you ever think about it in your tough times? In these passages, Jesus points out that we can tell those that remain in Him by the fruit in their lives…fruit that is produced regardless of the circumstances. That means, God can use you in your times of praise and times of need. God can use you when you have everything figured out and when you don't feel God close. God can use you while you are jogging or while your playing on your iPad during a chemo treatment.
God never stops believing in us…why should we ever stop allowing ourselves to be used by Him?
Keep your eyes open…there are people all around you that need to know God still believes in them too. Oh and remember, when people start thinking you are strong, remind them o
F your constant Source. You can never get this day back, so go make God look good…no matter where you are in life…our God has overcome this world, let Him overcome you today.
I'll update later with a song I've been thinking about yesterday and today…it goes along with this post…any guesses?