Just a few hours after posting my need to stop, I screeched to a halt and found myself going, “Yea…I really don't like stopping.”
Thursday morning came way too quick as the boys were both awake at the same time. I was up with chest pains and they only got worse in the morning. I got the boys and their belongings together, drove them to preschool and then drove to the hospital thinking they could give me fluids or something to get things going again.
Funny thing about hospitals…the second you mention chest pains, you get right in. There was no wait…I cut right to the front of the line and in I went. The swarm of doctors had me hooked up to a heart monitor in probably 10 seconds flat. Heart attack ruled out…that's great. Heart rate was rising, plunging and then rising again…all while I just sat there going, “Seriously, I just came for some fluids…”
I came in around 8:45AM and I was admitted by that afternoon, mainly for monitoring. I hadn't packed a bag. I really needed to get things ready for Sunday. I called a friend to get the boys…it was insane to say the least.
But morphine…oh wow…morphine is AMAZING!!! I can do all things through morphine takes all my pain and cares away! Whew…I wish I had that at home (perhaps that's why it's only there at the hospital?).
Friday was a stress test and I managed to get through it with mild chest pain, but it was ruled that there was no blockage. Heart rate by this time had gone back to normal. In the evening I was offered IVIG…I figured if I was going to get sick, might as well kick me while I'm down! Before I drifted off to lala land I had gotten sick twice, but the really strong nausea medication along with having fluids all day made this my best ivig experience ever!
Saturday I had a heart echo and besides picking up the obvious a-fib, nothing new was discovered.
In the end, my doctor phrased it like this, “Bethany, your body has been to hell and back and you don't even know how to define rest! You treat this body the same as it was before low CSF, the same it was before CIDP, the same it was before 2 brain tumors, the same it was before IVIG, chemo, numerous medications and girl – you have a pacemaker that is struggling to keep up with you! For God sake STOP or you won't be here for anyone to need you.”
And that was my wake-up call.
I really hate letting things slow me down. I've lived 30 years with a right hand and arm shorter and smaller than my left. I've conquered being pretty much blind in one eye and wearing a contac in the other. Ive adapted to being pretty much deaf in my left ear and hearing with my right ear relying heavily on a high-end hearing aid. Doctors are my life…I'm used to being that curious case that nobody has ever seen before…the one that beats the odds and rises to the challenge.
But I've never learned to stop. If you stop, you lose time to make changes. You lose the endurance to get back in the race. You have to keep going, don't quit and rise to the challenge.
I had to realize stopping didn't mean quitting. In fact, stopping was more like refueling and defining your way before continuing on your journey. Stopping prevents running in circles. Stopping keeps your endurance high for those difficult challenges you will have ahead. Stopping allows you to trust others to meet your needs. Stopping paves the way for those who follow your lead to not make the same mistakes you did.
So, now I'm on mandatory house arrest…I mean bed rest for this week. I made it home today (Saturday) and my mind is already going crazy. What about church tomorrow? Do I have everything out for my teachers? What can I do this week? Perhaps I should clean the garage…no that requires movement! I can do dishes (not supposed to)…play with the kids (how?)…update my blog. Yes…this is going to be a long week indeed.
BUT…I will say after the news got out that I was going to really rest for a week, I got several calls and texts going, “Are you REALLY going to rest this time?” which tells me I have a church family that recognizes my inability to stop as well. They have watched out boys, been preparing meals, helping to deliver the kids to and from school…they have my week planned FOR me! I've never been in such an amazing place such as my family here at PBCC willing to walk this road of recovery literally with me…both in the plunging ahead and screeching to a halt…my PBCC family is right there with me the entire way.
So here goes nothing…I will update on my times with God this week. Being that my attention will be very centered, it should be a time of both physical and spiritual renewal.
Keep in mind I have seriously never done this before…don't expect much…and don't take notes either!