I've been absent because I have been really wrestling about whether to continue this blog. It's not that I don't enjoy writing or reading the email I receive. It's not that I don't have the time (although my priorities have changed more towards spending time with Steve and the kids).
The zinger in my life that keeps me from posting is the very reality that God has decided to trust Steve and I with another child, even with the insanity of this last year and with the doctors telling me this pregnancy is medically impossible. We weren't trying to add to our family and the shock still lingers from time to time. Yet, readers, friends and my fellow sisters reading this blog may be struggling with a loss of a recent pregnancy and some are even struggling with becoming pregnant. I sit here tonight, as I do every night almost, debating if I should blog. If so, how do I write to encourage, not offend and just share my life with my friends.
It's a tough line to walk. Yet, I feel like God has put these miracles in my life not for me to simply smile to myself, but to use what He has given me to hopefully bring others out there closer to Him. That has been my only goal for this blog since its start and your stories continue to show me God is indeed using this, in ways I definitely did not orchestrate.
So, I will start posting again. I really don't have a clue why God is doing what He is, nor do I get why He is using our family…but He is. So, here is more of my journey, my family's journey these past few weeks.
Today I am 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant. My due date is March 15th. I have been cleared by cardio to have a normal pregnancy and delivery, but this could change at each monthly cardio appointment. My next scan will not be until 20 weeks. At this time, the neurology department of MIMA has partnered with Moffit Cancer Center to run the scan and send the scanned images and reports to them. As long as everything is good, I will be able to stay in the local area during the entire pregnancy. At this point, there is no plan B (why deal with a possibility that isn't needed at this point?). Dr A is no longer dealing with any part of my case due to his strong opposition to my pregnancy. I refused to terminate or see any medical professional that encourages this option. It was a very hard day for me to part ways, but I feel very confident with my new OB doctor overseeing my pregnancy and his partnering with all of my other doctors. It has been so great to get out of the same old MIMA offices and share my insanity with someone new. Plus, my OB doctor supports our local Pregnancy Resources Center – a Christian organization that does pregnancy tests, free ultrasounds, classes and has a great thrift store filled with some of the best baby and maternity supplies I've seen. I know because I went there when I needed confirmation with my pregnancy with Caden…and did the same with my present miracle. So glad they are here…especially when it took a LONG time to get my medical papers in line to see my OB.
They say once you cross over that 13 week mark, the risk of miscarriage goes way down. That has been my slow and steady prayer that God allows me to cross that line. People have told me, “God wouldn't give you this gift to take it away like that.” As much as I would like to believe that, it's not reality. My reality is that this miracle should not have happened. Every second that this baby continues to grow is another fingerprint by God in our lives. God has every right to allow this growth to continue (as I hope He does) or allow it to end. There isn't much I can do, but pray and ask God to grant me peace and understanding. For the most part, He has answered my prayer daily.
Baby was moving so much in the last ultrasound a little over a week ago, that I just couldn't quit laughing. Heartbeat has been strong in both ultrasounds we have done. So far, all tests have come out with optimistic results. Yet, this is still early.
I'm eating three meals (I can call them meals!) a day! I've gotten over the “Crud I'm gaining weight again” shock and my doctors have all encouraged me to be smart, yet enjoy. So, Im trying and it's hard because I so badly want to exercise but I've been told absolutely no. So, my marathon goal will have to be put on hold for a few months I guess…and yes, I'm serious about that goal…and I'll be wearing my good ol jogging shoes for that!
My hair is growing back. It's still very weird to me to feel the wind actually go through my hair. It used to be a great feeling, but now it reminds me of where I've been, where I am and not to take this day for granted (no doubt Gods wind is perfect timing too). I'm walking without pain and when I step on the boys matchbox cars it hurts me…considering I had no feeling in my feet just a short time ago, I'm still trying to get used to where I'm walking! I'm playing with my kids…a lot and enjoying time with Steve I between his studying. I'm back at work and so far, I'm keeping a healthy pace, even with crazy morning sickness (less frequent now…thank God!).
I've always told others to invite God into your mess so He can transform His message (your mess to His message). I just never thought I'd be such an example of messiness….but yet, I'm not sure if I would have it any other way. Life is too short to pretend like we have it altogether and life figured out. In fact, to me, it's easier when its publicly obvious that we clearly have no clue what we are doing or where God is leading, yet we know Who we are following…and so do others around us. It makes life less about how we look to others and more about how God truly can do anything by taking a little something and giving them everything through Him.
Have a great week and be used.