“I've been here before!” I have thought and muttered this coined phrase several times over these past few weeks. Funny how when we believe, secretly, that we finally understand where God is taking us, God changes OUR plan. His plan remains the same…our plan changes. Yea…I'm not too keen on that reality either.
I'm sitting here, again, in yet another waiting room – this time at Palm Bay Regional- awaiting my second blood patch for yet another CSF (spinal fluid) leak. When this occurred last Fall, it was SO severe that I could literally feel pressure and mass knocking around in my head due to the absence of the needed fluid. I could barely walk straight and my headaches were so severe, I literally slept most of the time. It was apparent that something wasn't right – I had no clue what the next few months would bring.
Over the past few weeks, I've been dealing with headaches that would come and go, more severe in the morning and would taper off to a dull, yet constant headache. Ive just learned to deal with it. I accepted it as just one of those many side-effects from the tumors that I get to adjust to in my life. When I had my follow-up MRI, I was told my fluid levels were low…but today it was indeed classified as yet another leak. The Fall leak was attributed to the possible CIDP, which lead to the discovery of the two brain tumors, the pacemaker placement, chemo, radiation, IVIG…and then the diagnosis of GBS and finally a cure. Windy road, yet filled with God-moments that sometimes I actually miss.
So, as I'm sitting here, I am thinking, “I've been here before…okay God, where is this going to lead? How are you going to use this to add to Your story?” Exciting yet daunting at the same time…yet, never a dull moment. How dare they call me by my last name…
A friend actually emailed me recently asking why I had somewhat closed off communication through my blog. Though I have plenty of good reasons – needed rest, starting back at work, time with family, etc – she ended by saying, “So What, now God can't use you anymore?” She meant it as a joke, of course, but I realized the reason I wasn't sharing and writing was truly because nothing crazy was going on. I was simply enjoying being somewhat normal…for a bit. But God is still very much active through what He is doing in our family…
I will be 25 weeks this Friday and our new baby boy will be born sometime in March. The same baby boy that doctors promised me would never even occur due to the high levels of chemo and radiation I went through. The same baby boy that doctors told me would not have a heartbeat. The same baby boy that I was told multiple times would not survive through the first trimester. I'm carrying a baby boy that Steve and I are still struggling to name just because of the miracle that God is displaying in our lives. Both Josh and Caden LOVE feeling the baby kick and out of all three pregnancies – this boy has by far kicked the most. Funny how when we seem to get frustrated or forget God is in control – HE kicks us when we need it the most. This baby has brought our family closer together and humbled by just the awesomeness of God. Everyday is a miracle. I survived. This baby boy is surviving. The medical world can't explain it…yet Gods fingerprints are all over it.
I wonder how Mary felt when this baby boy that God had placed in her started kicking, at just that right moment when the words and views of those closest to her we're in disbelief that this virgin could be with child. I wonder if Jesus kicked her when she needed it most? I wonder if He was cheering and applauding for the stand this young woman took to be a servant of the Lord, with every kick, squirm or even flip He made in her belly.
HIS timing is indeed perfect, even though most of us fail to see it that way at the right time.
Yep, I've been here before. Last time everything turned out okay. God never left me and He is with me this time around too. But, I got to admit, I enjoyed the slight break in the action.
No matter what you may be facing today, I hope God kicks you a few times to remind you that He is there. He never left you. He was with you before…He is with you now. Go and make this day His.
PS – I bought a hair dryer online during the Black Friday craziness! My old one I guess stopped working due to the long break. I can't wait to use a hair dryer again!